The Refuge

Full Version: INFJ doorslam
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Hey everyone.. I know it's been a while but I kind of missed our interactions here so I thought I would ask something here in the forum to get the juices flowing you see.

My on and off relationship / friendship with my favorite INTP kinda ended this week when I found out he was already dating someone from work and hadn't told me about it until just few days back.. What happened was that we agreed to stay friends no matter how rough things would get in our lives.. But I was noticing him becoming increasingly formal in his way of dealing with me. I was hurt and tried my best to keep my best face in front of him. Always smiling and funny and trying hard to engage him in good conversations. But he would not respond at all as he used to before. Then last week I was on a work trip to his city and proposed a plan to meet up. But he told me he was going to his folks and even sent me a copy of the flight tickets which was legit. So I just let it go because I didn't see it as a big deal. We could always meet up anytime later. But then next day he sends me a text saying if I can spend some significant time with him he can cancel the trip to his home and stay back for me. I said I can manage that and then I was looking forward to meet him. But when I reached there he had gone to the said trip to home and he told me only when I asked him about the plans. I was furious but still didn't make a big deal as it was family he was going to meet up with so I let it go and enjoyed the weekend on my own, hitting our favorite spots where we hung out before and sent him selfies from those places and told him how much I wish he had stayed. He was formal in his replies until it was my last day in city and he texted me this long explanation of why he was behaving so pathetic and moody. He was involved with a co worker and was uncomfortable knowing that I still had feelings for him. He said it would be so much better in the long term if we just stayed friends. And that he was not sure before whether he should tell me about this person or not.

Good God that was beyond what I could take in this little human infj brain of mine and I imploded. I told him how much he hurt me by not telling me all this before and just assuming I would be that immature to not understand he had moved on. He just insulted my friendship by not trusting me with this information before hand. I really thought he was my friend and would not cause me this embarrassment. I couldn't take anymore of his silence on the matter and just cut off every contact with him.
I know it was immature to certain degrees but I couldn't handle the pain of being taken off guard and the sudden information that I was replaced already without me knowing about it.. The perspective he took - of me still being in love with him, hit home hard. His version of being friends was what I call a mere casual acquaintance. I was not being too emotional or clingy even.. I just wanted to let him into my life as a close friend would. I did the doorslamming thing in the end actually. Totally cut off contact and didn't even let him speak any of his formal explanations. Just left.

So my question here is-( forget about my case it's over for all purposes.) how do INTPs react to the infamous INFJ doorslam? And why was he so flaky about sharing something that significant with me? Can't INTPs be friends with their ex at all? Or do they assume they are always going to be in love with them and must be just handled with the least information possible and to slowly phase them out of their lives if possible? Help me out yall. It doesn't matter if you know him or not.. Just need a perspective to make sense of this. You guys have always helped me a lot in getting my logics in order. Help me out again please?
Heyo Dreamy Idealist.

Been a while, haven't checked the forum in a while. None of the regulars regular anymore, it's kind of sad . . . now all we've got are spambots. Sad
Checked up on a whim, and you were back! Goodnews. Except that you aren't back with good news. Which is bad news.

God, I'm sorry. Sad

I don't (as always) have any terribly good advice. I don't really feel qualified to advise people on interpersonal relationships, when all of mine have gone kaput. And I don't know how I'm supposed to answer about your friend, when I'm having such a hard time putting myself in his shoes. I guess I'll hope someone else takes this thread up . . . but that seems unlikely. The forum's kind of . . . kind of dead. Everybody's gone . . . and I'm rambling.

Heyo, I'ma gonna send you a PM. See if we can meet up off of this site, something I've been intending to do with anyone that I run into from them olden days. Until then, I suppose.
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