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The Illusion
I have heard that INTP's search for convergent truth. This website calls it building your encyclopedia. A general knowledge base to be built upon. I am searching for the base principle to which all other principles spring from. Whether that is God or something else has yet to be discovered by me. I don't have the slightest idea of what God is except for what I have read about God in religious books. If there is a god as claimed I hope to discover my true connection in some way. If there is no god I am still looking for the absolute truth to which all others can base their truth upon.

Sorry if this is somehow seen as fluff and drivel. I am not intending to lecture nor ego boost, I am asking for your help in this search. This writing is not finished, it is an ongoing discussion with myself and the knowledge I currently possess. It is as truthful as I can be. So if I have made any errors little or big, please inform me and openly discuss your thoughts in any regard. Thank you.

The illusion

"You must remember: the enemy has only illusions and images from which to hide behind. Destroy the image and you shall break the enemy." ~Quoted

Lately I have this inkling of an idea, little more than a seed, that I am the illusion. I have a true self and I have the self I think is me. Where this idea came from i am not sure, but it feels right.

If I am participating in an illusory life, I must break it apart in order to live. Life is not guaranteed and according to the bible, if I am not mistaken, one can exist without having life.

There is meaning and there is pointlessness. I feel it is necessary to rid my existence of pointlessness and maximize the meaning of my time. If I am to gain life I must be deliberate, it will not happen by accident. In this sense it seems I am looking through my mind's eye at the bible and the message of God delivered by the prophets of past time.

According to my understanding of the message delivered in the bible, every man is to submit to God and love. I am not clear whether it should be done only if willing and understanding or whether if you truly believe matters at all. Perhaps to love is the law with no exception.

I feel on the verge of breaking this thought open but it sits just outside my grasp in this moment. The more I try, the harder it becomes to see it at all.

If this thoughtful vision I am having of an illusion is accurate what then is the truthful reality? Perhaps reality is not one or the other, maybe both together.  The illusion and reality, The yin and yang, conscious sub/unconscious, the light and the dark, good and evil. Maybe evil is the illusion. A shadow of false ideas. Seemingly real, but a literal illusion.

Shadows re-present actual things, but of course are nothing in themselves. The blockage of light by an object will cast a shadow for the reason that the surface upon which the light is shining, will have an absence of light in the place of where the object stands in relation to the surface upon which the light shines.

Though a shadow appears present, it is the absence of light that creates the image of a shadow. The real object has a bright truthful light shining directly on it. That object is certainly clear from the perspective of the light. But from the perspective of the object itself, only a shadow is seen.

If am the object I must be seen clearly in the light, but unless I turn towards the light, I will only see a shadow. It seems I start out facing the wrong way and must decide to turn towards the light to see accurately.

To an extent I feel I have done that only to have returned and face the shadow once more. I am aware the shadow is not a real thing, but a warped image of the thing itself. Shadows cannot harm me, but others have no idea the shadows are not real and will react as if they are. What is the purpose? Am I to help others see the light of truth? Or to help them see the desire to see the light of truth?

I have been on a search for truth, but Truth is not a thing to be discovered. Truth is the standard against which to measure reality. There are many truths I believe, therefore it now seems I must refine my search to discover the truth of..... Love? Good? Right? Justice? All of them seem worthy of a deeper and more thorough examination.

I have read that I should seek absolute good. At such point in time that I know absolute good, I will know evil inherently. For anything that is not absolute good must be tainted with traces of evil in some manner. And in this manner it seems that evil would be considered anything that distorts the reality of absolute good.

If absolute good is the base upon which life sprang, perhaps we call it love instead. If pure and absolute love were the base, then anything that is not pure and absolute would look askew and perhaps evil from the eyes of absolute love.

Before I get ahead of myself, Is love the same as good? If so then hate would be to evil as love is to good. I've also heard that knowledge is good and ignorance is evil. This would naturally make sense. Because if knowledge was complete and absolute, there would be an understanding of the nature of ignorance and would forgive the ignorant. However if one has knowledge and uses it against the ignorant, such an act would most certainly be considered evil.

It seems rather interesting that knowledge, good, love and their opposites are almost rather joined together and potentially synonymous with each other. Perhaps I may interchange them without ill effect. But I think for the ease of understanding, I should stick with one.

I've always wanted to do what is right. But this obviously implies that there is a right in the first place. Where did I get such notion. Upon which criteria do I base my decision of right or wrong? The golden rule of do unto others I suppose must be the ultimate predeterminer. And If I believe in the authenticity of God's hand in the creation of the bible, then the commandments of God as well. So what is right is right for all, but without God, what is right may be considered subjective at best.

However if indeed God exists, then the premise would be that God is the author of it all and therefore has knowledge of everything. Complete and perfect, absolute knowledge of all things and humans have incomplete, imperfect partial knowledge of few things. Even those humans that appear to have a vast amount of knowledge in any particular field can only possibly know what they have been taught by other humans. Or otherwise what they have observed and discovered on their own.  But suffice it to say that any amount of knowledge a human may potentially obtain, is on the whole, limited and infinitely dismal in comparison to the complete work of knowledge that the absolute would contain.

Assuming knowledge is required to carry out the creation of existence, The absolute would not lack a drop of knowledge because existence is contained within the body of knowledge that the absolute does hold.

For the sake of this matter I must continue on and presuppose what absolute I am in search of discovering.

Knowledge, good, love? God? If God is the absolute of absolutes, I need only know God and I will know the rest. My only hesitation is that I am seriously considering to discover and understand God. How infinite this task seems and it doesn't feel as though I could possibly come to understand the absolute of God. But perhaps I am rushing ahead of myself. Maybe I can discover in stages the layers of God. As in each of my categories individually, love, knowledge and good.

To understand one is to understand its opposite. Therefore half of my work is reduced in the instant i realize one polar extreme. Evil arises from good, long defines short. If I know one, the other reveals itself. However this still seems like a tremendous task and I wonder if I have the time and the focused drive to finish what I start. But if anything in my life is worth the effort I speak of, is not this very task the one?

Still it looms over me like a sentence and burden beyond my capabilities. My wife and child may not be near for the completion of this task and I may very well be alone once it is complete. For I cannot see anything less than consuming a long period of my life. And if this be the task I set out for, how can my mind be focused on anything else. Distractions now seem amplified for my thoughts do not just stop and go as commanded. They need warming up in a sense and to get started slowly. Or at least that is how they seem to function best. Or maybe just how they function at all whether best or worst.

I almost feel that I have no choice, but I know I do. I can walk away and turn from this task to never contemplate it again. But I cannot see life all of a sudden gaining valuable meaning where it has been missing for some time now. It feels like a choice between a connection with this world vs connection with God. If I am to know God and connect, I must give up the rest. But if that was the case, why am I here in the first place. To see what I am willing to give up? To test my understanding of the connection between myself and God? Can I make my family happy and still discover what I need to discover? I don't know the answer to any of these. And for the last, I believe I have tried such in the past only to my family's detriment.

Although last time, the search was not the same. Last time my discovery was vague and aimless. I saw the illusion and reacted upon what I thought I understood. But I know right and well now that I hadn't the slightest notion of the absolute of absolutes. I believe I once thought I knew something of an absolute, though not THE ABSOLUTE, just something of the absolute, which is more than most. And that pushed me out and ahead and I became arrogant.

My search this time is directed at one thing and deliberate in its intention. Before I was searching for answers to questions I didn't know. But now I know the question and am looking to answer it. What is the absolute of absolutes. Are their multiple absolutes or are they one in the same? Knowing that I don't know should keep me humble. And when I know, I shall hope to have sympathy on those who are deceived and angry with those who deceive. This may already be the case, but then I will know that my thoughts are pure and just, and not be as others who, only believe to be pure and just.

I cannot turn the task away. No matter how much contemplation I throw in my own way, I know this is my course. I've known it for a long time even if I didn't understand the complexity of the course. And the irony in searching for the absolute is the simplicity of it. The Absolute is one and not many. But it is obscured by many and it seems my task is to clear a path to the Absolute so I can come to learn and understand it completely. Until I can be my absolute self. Until I am Absolute, but this can only occur when and if I am able to return to God, which and who may be the absolute of absolutes.

My soul seems to be absolute, but obscured by the thoughts of others that have entered my mind. This is the task I had previously set to. To discover my self in absolute terms. Who or what am I? What is the truth of my existence?

I can not be absolute because I have no knowledge of how or why I am here. The absolute has this knowledge. There is an absolute version of my self, but I have only seen glimpses of that version. I must study the absolute. Then perhaps things will be clear.

Please help me see, this I ask of you. Thank you
I'm not starting this post with a thesis statement. I probably should. Or I should come up with one after I'm done writing the post. But I'm not going to because I don't know where this post will end up. That said, I'll start with another disclaimer: I have no idea what I am talking about. I think that very few people do. I may be wrong. I may be horribly wrong. But...but I don't think I am. If you want sage wisdom from someone who has passed the test and knows the truth, I'm not him. But perhaps I know something. Maybe less, maybe more than you...but probably just different. Or I could be dead wrong. Never forget that possibility. I think this has been enough preamble, and I've mostly gotten my thoughts in order, so I'll begin.
You express concern that you may have to choose between your family and enlightenment. I don't think so. The family is where we learn right from wrong, fellowship, guilt, love. To speak and to talk. Where we learn to learn. There are some screwed up families out there....I know that. But...whatever truth is, I think that the family is essential to it. I think that shouldn't assume that the family is part of the illusion. If they aren't ready for the quest, that doesn't mean that you should leave them behind, or let them drift apart. Your quest can (and probably should) be the meaning of your life, the primary goal of your life, but it doesn't have to be the only thing in your life. You are a parent, and it is your duty to raise your child. If you can't do that, you've failed society, reality. Your kid. Which leads me to ask: was it their decision not to join you in your journey....or yours? (And please know that I am asking you a question, not a rhetorical question that I think I know the answer to. I don't know the answer to it, that is why I put a question mark after it. I've been told (or not told, as the case may be) that I can come across as more than a little rude, so please know that I mean no harm.)
There you have it. The intro, one monster paragraph that only touches on one subject, and then the conclusion. But I find that....I don't have any more (answers? speculations more like) Just more questions. And many of the same questions. So: if any one knows more than me, I'd just like to add that I'm interested in the answers too.
-Yordle Sandwich
Lmao thank you for the response. Nothing you said was offensive by any means.

I laugh because your response just reminds me of myself at times. I need to explain a whole bunch of pre-thought before even touching on what I really want to say. But thank you again for your response. Sage wisdom is something I hope to one day possess. 

As for my family... I would be heartbroken, and have already experienced waves of heartbreak at the mere thought of going our own ways. I think they nailed the pure almost naive child-like love on the head for INTP's. At least it feels so for me. My thoughts of loyalty are my connections with them and my protectiveness over them is a beast on its own. I do not want to leave my family behind under any circumstance, but Ive been told the feeling isn't mutual by my wife. 

I began to describe the situation revolving around her choice, but it is a long story and many small details to fit in and I have chosen instead to give an abbreviated version of the situation. Which is thus: 

My wife explained that she is not willing to stay with me if I choose to continue down certain paths. The certain path at the time was to act upon my moral conviction and....follow through on it. But that conviction did and will make family life difficult without doubt. 

She has told me the path I wanted to walk is a martyr's life and or a hermits life. And I had to choose between my family or my moral convictions. Perhaps not so direct, but that was the choice at the time.

I chose my family, but depression and resentment followed and resided in me for the better part of a year. Only recently have I escaped those feelings and likely due to my renewed search for that truth. It almost seems to have reinvigorated me. 

I do not want to leave my family and have always wanted to share my life with them. Journey and discovery and all. For such a journey I could use their love and support. Perhaps you might understand the hurt I felt when I wasn't supported and made to choose instead. 

That decision is behind me though,  and that depression along with the resentment has eased, but my concern is that I won't be able to focus well enough on both my family and this discovering. Especially because my mind has an almost detrimental one track focus. And also because I truthfully don't have much care for the path she has seen except that it would make her happy. And she is pretty good at seeing through my external appearance and can sense this. 

Ps. Sorry for the font. I'm trying to fix it from my phone. 
I don't have much to say...besides that I hope everything works out for you. I debated posting at all, but it seemed rude not to after your reply to mine. But, that is why this is a forum, and not two people sitting awkwardly across the table from each other grasping desperately for something to say. If I am familiar with how these things work, this thread will now be at the top of the list. Here is hoping someone wiser than me has something to say.
-Yordle Sandwich
An experience of the townies upheld for the approval of the notes for the citizens. The tip of the success and essayace review is marked for the future options for the persons and all citizens I the field of the actual terms.

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