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Some questions here: Did you ever actually meet her, and sleep in the same bed? Surely you must have known more than you're letting on here. You're an adult male, you understand why adults sleep in the same bed. Let's be honest.

There's a lot of obfuscation in this thread that is... interesting. You're lying to yourself more than to us, I think. But it's also sad because you're lying to her, which isn't going to make for a good friendship, or relationship (because after reading this, I'm in genuine doubt as to what you want.)

So firstly, relationships are difficult for INTPs to begin with, but this sort of complex puzzle you've just laid out here is, not to mince words, a genuine mindfuck.

One more thought: I also think you may want to retake a Myers Briggs test. I think you may be an ISFJ, and not an INFJ; the way you wrote this reminds me so strongly of one of my friends who is ISFJ.

There is nothing scandalous about meeting someone online, becoming friends, and allowing that to transition to a relationship. I think you should relax, first of all. Then you should decide what you want and what you feel. You should stop panicking about how one "should feel" about the category you've placed your INTP in based on the fact that you "met her online" (because whether you realize it or not, you've done this- you keep repeating it in your post.) You also appear to fear outside judgement from others quite intently based on the things you reference when you tried to give us a frame of reference about the website you met her on. One of the first things you want us to think was that the site wasn't for "wife or husband hunters." Ok! Sure. But just because you became friends and then became really good friends doesn't mean you can't change the way you feel about each other. And who gives a F what other people think anyway? Certainly not INTPs.

Caring overly about what other people think is often a sign that you need to step back and relax and focus on what *you* think. Because in the end, that's what matters, and that's why it's really frustrating that you pigeonholed your relationship in this fashion from the start.

I'll give you a link, btw, to the ISFJ typology wiki- a readthrough may be helpful to you.
First of all: LOL. Every new paragraph just increased my amusement exponentially. Not that I don't have sympathy with your...predicament, I really do. I might have some useful advice for you though.
As an INTP female myself, I can relate to the poor girl. You need to understand the difficulty of relationships for us is not starting one, it's the maintenance, especially since it's never black and white. Having to guess where you stand with the other person is absolutely exhausting (a possible reason why she withdrew from you the first time, being sick and all), and failing to understand the dynamic of a relationship accurately is probably our biggest fear, since our inferior extroverted feeling function leaves us completely vulnerable.
This girl took a huge emotional risk inviting you on that holiday, and by reacting the way you did on that as well as all the other "tests", dropped casually in conversation to try and gauge your feelings, she assumed that she understood exactly how this relationship was going. Imagine the shock to find all those emotion filled messages, that make no SENSE (keyword for any INTP), and the only conclusion she can come to is that she had it wrong. INTPs hate being wrong. Especially when all their data told them they were right.
I hope that now you understand her behaviour a little better. But we still need a solution. I can only tell you what I'd need in situation like this. Obviously you know her way better than I do, so please adjust this to whatever the situation calls for. Give her objective, factual clarity. Something along the lines of: "I wasn't looking for a relationship when I contacted you. Over time I did start to like you, although your intimacy took me by surprise at times. I'm not sure how you feel about me, which is why my letters were so forceful yet vague at the same time. If you don't want anything more than friendship, I'm totally cool with that, BECAUSE.....(whatever fits dude, just know reasons are important). I am sorry for confusing you. Let's just figure this out." Just a rough outline for a possible solution. Try to keep your sentences short and to the point, and you'll be fine. If nothing else she'll be grateful for the honesty, and maybe not spend the rest of her life thinking of that embarrassing penpal incident.
Hope this helps.

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