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INTP Marriage failing.....help
#1
Hello, I am new here, I am not an INTP, but found this in search for some help and answers about my spouse who is an INTP. According to the personality test I am a ESFJ.

We have been together for almost 16 years and married 14 1/2 of those said years.
I am 10 1/2 years older than him. He was 22 when we got married. This was my second marriage and his first. At the time we got married and just recently about 3 months ago I had not clue about INTP or ESFJ or any other personality types such as these.

So things we great in the beginning and lots of learning for the both of us. We have had our ups and downs and misunderstanding. Any way I can go on and on and give you our whole life story and will share more if you want to need, but to get to the point. The last 3 year have been increasingly hard, and I am also dealing with some personal demons of my own. I know that my behavior and pushing and not understanding an INTP has taken a toll on him. Now after all this time he tells me 4 months ago that he does not see us working out in the future, and and that most of our connection has been lost and he no longer wants to work on the relationship or try to work on the relationship. Just FYI...there has not been any sexual infidelity on either part. He has not come out and directly said that he wants a divorce, however he has said he would like to separate and sees what happens. We are active duty military stationed over seas so that would mean I return to the states for at least the next 8 months and when his tour is over we would have to make a decision on to stay together or actual divorce. This is not ok with me because of trust issues and due to the conscious decision to send me and way.

This all has hit me like a ton of bricks, it came out of no where and I feel very blind sided. I do not know what to do because I love him. I do not want to loose my best friend. I will stop here because I could go on forever. So if you need more information or specifics please feel free to ask.

What are the chances of saving my marriage?
If any, what should I do or what can I do?

He thinks that because of my personality that I am will to self sacrifice to save the marriage, how can I convince him that is not true?

He says he loves me and always will. So if that is true then why would he not want to try and make it work?
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#2
Have you talked to any marriage counselors, either by yourself or with your spouse?
I do not feel at all qualified to give any advice beyond that, especially since I am afraid that I could give bad advice, and hurt your relationship...That would be awful...
Best Wishes, though. I really hope that you two are able to communicate with each other, and that this all works out.
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#3
(03-24-2016, 12:31 PM)Kleioatropos Wrote: Have you talked to any marriage counselors, either by yourself or with your spouse?
I do not feel at all qualified to give any advice beyond that, especially since I am afraid that I could give bad advice, and hurt your relationship...That would be awful...
Best Wishes, though. I really hope that you two are able to communicate with each other, and that this all works out.

I'll echo Kleoatropos and refrain from giving direct advice and encourage seeing a counselor if you can. I will however give you some points you may want to think about:

1) You said that he's afraid you might self-sacrifice to save the marriage. Is there even the tiniest kernel of truth to that fear? Be as honest with yourself as you can. If there is some truth to it what would that self-sacrifice look like to you? How would that affect you in the long run?

2) Besides still loving him and wanting the marriage to work what other reasons do you have for not wanting a divorce? Again be brutally honest with yourself as there may be some social, moral, religious, etc. reasons at play that you may want to think about. If you flesh out any other reasons how important are they to you in trying to save this marriage? You may want to rate them from 1 - 5 or something like that.

3) What kind of a relationship do you want to have in general; not just with him? This one is really important. Try your best to leave him out of the equation on this one and list characteristics you want rather than the characteristics about him that you love. If he happens to match up with that, fine, but the key is to really be honest about what you really want.

My only hope in having you pose these questions to yourself is for you to get a deeper understanding of how you feel and what you want. I'll be so bold as to predict that you are shocked and afraid by this whole thing and may be in a bit of survival mode right now (i.e. I have to make this work!!). If so that is totally understandable. But survival mode is a reactive mode and simply reacting right now without really thinking things through may not be the best thing to do.

Think about who you are and what you want; he's not the only one in this equation and it may not necessarily be your "job" to fix this. Above all else give yourself some time to digest this because it is a lot to take in. I do hope things work out for the better for you. Take care.
Trust no one, fear nothing.
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#4
Kleioatropos, we have tried and went a few times but he did not see the benefit to it so we stopped going. Thank you for your well wishes. I understand not wanting to give advice that might hurt us. Guess, I am just trying to learn and figure out how to not do any more damage myself.


Innievee, thank you as well for the well wishes and for posing some questions. I have actually thought a lot about some of these questions, because things have not been in a good place in our marriage for a while now, mostly on my part, having no clue he was feeling so badly about the marriage. However it is never a bad idea to revisit the topics. To answer a few of those questions I will below.

1) No, to me there is no fear of it. I am willing to learn and grow, to compromise on thing that are not that important in the bigger picture of life. I will not self sacrifice me. However if on this journey we call life, I am willing to learn and in doing so I come to some new realizations that something in me or my system is flawed and that there is a newer better way, I am very willing to explore that and flexible to change it as well.

I do understand why he thinks this way. As state this is my second marriage. My first one was not good at all and it the main reason I can say I am not willing to ever sacrifice myself ever again. My ex husband was a very jealous, controlling person. Of course when it started out it was not all that bad, that is how we get sucked in to things, but as time went on it continued to get worse. I was not allowed to go to the store by myself, I was not allowed to dress how ever I felt. If I made eye contact or looked in the direction of another man I was having sex with them or wanting to have sex with them. I worked and was questioned about work as well and was never allowed to be in control of money. I had to ask for it or he gave me an allowance,, then questioned as to how I spent it as well. Of course going through at the time at first did not seem that bad, I just thought he must really love me. I gave up everything including friends unless he approved. Near the end of the relationship not only was it verbally and mentally abusive, but became physically as well as sexually abusive. Then I finally got my senses back and the courage to get out. I realize that I would rather live on the streets with my children in a box then to continue another day in this relationship. For if I did I am not sure I would have physically survived be it by his doing or mine. So I feel I have a pretty good idea what self sacrifice looks like to me, and pretty freaking sure I will never allow it to happen again. At least I would like to think so.

2) This is a good one and will have to think about this one some more to see what I come up with. However, it is not financial reasoning because I have had to be financially on my own before, even though a second income it always better than one. Not a religious one either, if that was the case I would have had to stay married to my ex husband or to never marry again according to some religions. To me regardless of that I would not feel that God, whom is love us enough to send his son/himself to die for another human being because he loves and cares for us would ever want someone to be in a relationship where you are being abused. If that were the case, well that is not my idea of love and I guess I would just be a sinner then.

What I wonder is. What if I am able to rule out all of the social/moral reasons for not wanting to divorce.
What if I am left with just logical reasons for not divorcing? Is that enough reason to save a marriage?
What if I can not find a way to explain what the reason is for not wanting the divorce?
What if the only reasons I can find are feelings, which aren't explainable?

3) I am sure that I have always wanted that epic romance/love story that the media and romance books portray. However live has a way of dumping a big dose of reality right in your lap regardless of if you want it or not. I can say I will defiantly give this some more thought to this question and get back to it later.
However at the core of what I want in as well as out of a relationship is (in no particular order) is:
-Honesty
-Trust
-Respect
-Monogamy
-Value
-Safety
-Communication
I am sure as I contemplate this question I will come up with more but these are the ones for now.

You are probably right about me being in a state of shock, and complete devastation to all of this, but although I do want to make this work, I also realize that I alone can not fix it.
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#5
Well, I'm not a marriage counselor and I'm really not qualified to give advice. I also don't know enough about your situation, how you think, how he thinks. And I could spend a lifetime learning, and still not know. I haven't been in either of your heads. I therefore recommend that you don't believe a word I say. Measure things in your own mind. Don't believe what you think, either. It is a fact that all too often we make a decision first, sometimes subconsciously, and then rationalize it after. Of course, we also discredit our gut reactions far too often, when they prove right. Before making a decision, weigh the pros and the cons, quite possibly on paper. Call on your memory, what has worked, what hasn't. When we allow ourselves to think properly, we are often surprised at what we knew.
And in the end, do what you'll regret the least.
But remember: I don't even know what I'm talking about. I've never been in your shoes. Only one person has, so follow her advice above any one else's.
-Yordle Sandwich
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#6
(03-26-2016, 05:37 PM)Yordle Sandwich Wrote: Well, I'm not a marriage counselor and I'm really not qualified to give advice. I also don't know enough about your situation, how you think, how he thinks. And I could spend a lifetime learning, and still not know. I haven't been in either of your heads. I therefore recommend that you don't believe a word I say. Measure things in your own mind. Don't believe what you think, either. It is a fact that all too often we make a decision first, sometimes subconsciously, and then rationalize it after. Of course, we also discredit our gut reactions far too often, when they prove right. Before making a decision, weigh the pros and the cons, quite possibly on paper. Call on your memory, what has worked, what hasn't. When we allow ourselves to think properly, we are often surprised at what we knew.
And in the end, do what you'll regret the least.
But remember: I don't even know what I'm talking about. I've never been in your shoes. Only one person has, so follow her advice above any one else's.
-Yordle Sandwich


Thank you for your response. I do believe that sometimes subconsciously we do make decisions, and then rationalize the heck out of them so much so that they become the only truth we can see. I also believe that once we do this we are able to re-write memories, or our view on memories. That if we are focused on the negative then our memories become more negative. This does worry me here in this situation. My husband has always seem to be an optimist, but now when we talk and he shared things about our pasted or possible future they are all negative.

Seem like when he flipped off his feelings for me/us and the relationship, that the area where that resided, filled with nothing but bad.
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#7
He factored all things.

He is willing to take his luck being single or even pursue someone else in order to be happy.

He is currently not happy and has assessed why. It is either who you are as a person, or his interests became more clear as he got older.

Loving you is not the same as being in love with you. He cares for you especially from all the time he has been with you.

Doing a dance or trying to change yourself will not get him back. If you have sat with him at a table, possibly with pen and paper, and logically asked him what was going on and what can be done and he did not directly answer, then he is too afraid to admit his conclusions. If he admitted his conclusions then take it as that.

He wants to move on, but does not want to hurt you, and he does not want you to change yourself (disaster) or self sacrifice for him. He is feeling guilty for changing the relationship on you. Hurting yourself for his sake adds to the guilt.

I am INTP and left a 10 year relationship with a loyal woman, but after weighing pros and cons, I can be happier alone or meeting someone that'd I'd be more interested in.

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but since I do not have an emotional attachment to you, I will be blunt. You are too old for him.
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#8
I just had a similar situation in my marriage, as an INTP i was married to an ESFP at the age of 22, she was 19. I knew there was big differances in personality but knew little of mbti. I think myself at that age that i was seeking someone who could round me out and to help me where i was deficient. After 7 years i left her, it blindsided her as well, but i felt like she did not understand anything of who i was and it didnt seem like she was interested in what made me, me.

I don't know your complete situation, but i can suggest to dig into his thoughts, be as logical and as understanding as you can, the moment you let emotion barge into the conversation he will probably shutoff and just want to end the conversation. thats how i was.
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#9
I'm an INTP and have just left my 20 year marriage to an ISFJ. Something your husband said is the same thing I told my ex husband- the connection is lost. He just had no idea how to connect with me mentally and when that's not there, an INTP doesn't feel fulfilled in any way.

I really don't know what kind of advice to give, other than when an INTP is done, we've already assessed EVERY aspect of the situation, and we're really done.
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