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Breakup-hope
#1
Heart 
Hello, I am an Infj just newly broke up with my male intp. We have not had any troubles personally. He is a single father with joint custody every other week for two teenagers. He also works in a hospital with crazy hours and a lot of changes going on there. He has had 2 failed marriages. He says he loves me which I know he does. but just can't put in a full- time relationship. I keep reassuring him I understand and that we can see each other when it fits his schedule as I can keep myself busy as I am an introvert as well. I supported him in his decision- he did not indicate he wants to revisit our relationship other than he loves me and has a special feeling where it will be in his heart and soul and remain. I agreed he needed time alone to recharge as he drains easily(very understandable). I love him very much and want him in my life. My questions- how much time Should I give him before I contact him. what is the likelihood he would want to renew the relationship. If he does, I plan on taking it very slowly and reassuring him I will support him and give him the space he needs. I recognize that need in him as he drains easily and needs that time to recharge and just to have alone time to do his thing. I don't think he thinks I recognize it as he doesn't think anyone understands him and he feels I don't either. He views himself as an asshole because he can't be there emotionally for the ones he loves- kids family etc.. In all actually he is a very loving and compassionate man. He just needs more alone time than the average person. He doesn't think he is meeting my needs which again I assure him he does. How can I reassure him he is and start building a meaningful relationship.
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#2
When you say "start" building a meaningful relationship... do you mean that you have not been involved with him for very long, or do you mean that from your perspective he does not appear to consider the relationship you do have "meaningful"?? If you're looking to move forward instead of back, then I applaud your healthful outlook; any interaction the two of you have from this point forward will be necessarily different from what you had before. Clearly something was not working, and it would be crazy-making to try to go backward to something that wasn't working.

(06-11-2016, 07:55 PM)Ljd62 Wrote: I supported him in his decision- he did not indicate he wants to revisit our relationship other than he loves me and has a special feeling where it will be in his heart and soul and remain. I agreed he needed time alone to recharge as he drains easily(very understandable). I love him very much and want him in my life. My questions- how much time Should I give him before I contact him. what is the likelihood he would want to renew the relationship.
I don't know that any of us can tell you accurately how likely he is to want to renew the relationship without actually knowing him, but from your text (underlined) it appears that he has already communicated on this... That being said, also from your text (the part in italics) you have mentioned that -- whether or not you were submitting to something you didn't want -- you have indicated to him that this is a decision you agree with; if you have re-gauged your feelings on this matter, you are absolutely allowed to tell him so, but (seeing as he's an INTP) you might want to take a minute to pinpoint the logical/factual reasons why you've reconsidered, as he will likely be unmoved by the emotionality involved. (Also important to note that if you do decide to change your mind and tell him you no longer agree to the parting, there is no guarantee he'll be swayed by your reasons.)

As for how long to stew on this, that's kindof a tricky one. If my INFJ and I split up, there would be a duality in my head about it, and two things would happen simultaneously: 1- I'd miss her increasingly as time wore on, and 2- I'd be just as increasingly convinced that it was the right decision (this is not to say that it is or isn't, just that in my head I'd be finding all kinds of hindsight support for the decision.

If what is important to you is that he remains in your life regardless of relationship status, I'd say to start with that. It can be incredibly overwhelming to hear that a "failed" romantic partner still believes you are worth the trouble of keeping around, especially to someone who is in the mindset of not being enough. The words, "I want to be here for you," or even just "I'm here if you need to talk," can go a long way toward removing the pressure of a compartmentalized single-purpose expectation. For example, if he sees you as a romantic partner, but now you've split up and he is no longer comfortable interacting because of the weighted emotional component the interaction would bear (i.e., the breakup, or getting back together), acting as a friend without romantic expectation will allow him to see that you really do care about him as a person, not just fleetingly if-and-only-if the two of you are "together."

Ljd62 Wrote:We have not had any troubles personally... He also works in a hospital with crazy hours and a lot of changes going on there... He says he loves me which I know he does, but just can't put in a full- time relationship... He views himself as an asshole because he can't be there emotionally for the ones he loves- kids family etc... He doesn't think he is meeting my needs which again I assure him he does...
(Sorry for chopping up your post like this, but there's an element here that I want to address on a larger scale.)

It seems like this is a common theme in many of the posts in this thread:
"INTP becomes overwhelmed, looks for remedy, finds that they've been giving less than the (personally) acceptable threshold for maintaining the romantic relationship, communicates feeling bad about this to partner as feelings of failure/not giving what partner needs, adopts all-or-nothing approach to relationship."

It's that "it's not fair to you that I'm unable to give you what you need" mentality that tends to result in the INTP convincing him-/herself that the partner would be "better off" if released from the liability of the relationship.

I know I have personally been guilty of this in the past, but this is bullshit you guys. INTPs as a group need to straight up stop doing this. Our partners are not there because it's convenient, they're there because they care about us, and this type of behavior is contributing to the stereotype that we are unfeeling robots ready to drop a relationship without even feeling it whenever we damn well please. If we are having an issue with pressure or stress in regard to the romantic partner we need to just tell them so, and allow them the opportunity to adjust. People want to troubleshoot, by and large, and the ones that don't we can then know for certain aren't right for us. If we are feeling external pressure/stress and the partner is falling by the wayside, we need to learn to tap them for support -- they're on our team, and they want to support us, that's what teamwork means! (and again, if it turns out they don't, then they're not a good fit) But when we make decisions in a vacuum like this, we are not allowing data from the other 50% of the relationship to count for anything, and our 50% is not a majority. This, it seems, is the way in which we are truly failing our partner: the failure to act as a stakeholder instead of as a dictator.

Ljd62, for what it's worth, if I were doing this to my INFJ I think the response I'd want to hear would be "It's not your job to fulfill my needs. I am an adult, capable of making sure my own needs are met, and if I need something more from you than what you're giving, I have no hesitation about letting you know." This would not only indicate that my fears of not being enough were unfounded, but also reassures me that the lines of direct, straightforward communication are open. That second part is crucial, as it allows me to relax and stop worrying about this particular stressor. As this is clearly a stress-based situation, there'd be a bonus if she followed up with something along the lines of "...but I can see that you are in need of some support right now, and I am willing to give it in whatever form it may take."
"Well if I were You-Know-Who, I'd want you to feel cut off from everyone else. Because if it's just you alone you're not as much of a threat." -Luna Lovegood
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#3
Thank you for your insight. I believe he really does care for me. He needs to accept his fears of loving. He did not get love, support, or guidance as a child and had a very bad marriage. He even stated he didn't know if he was capable of loving when we started this relationship 9 months ago. Our love started growing and he even started talking about having a long term relationship. Then 4 months ago he said he was broken. He loved me very much but found himself in a state of self absorption and became more distant which he tried to snap out of but just couldn't. He is inundated by his everyday life routines and barely enough time for himself. He stated he appreciates my extraordinary efforts to foster our relationship and grateful for my understanding and support and loves me dearly but he is the obstacle. I know our relationship is making him tired. He says i believe what is best- is to follow or own journeys having been touched and affected in a positive and caring manner by each other. I am supporting him by giving him his space and time so he can process and see if he still feels he is making the right decision. I just don't know how much time I should give him before I contact him if he doesn't first which when I do I will not bring emotion into it I will start off as friends. Like you said keep the emotion out. Do you think he would be open to reconnecting. I know all individuals are different but what is the likelihood an INTP type of personality will if it is their own emotional issues they are dealing with.

Thank you
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#4
(06-11-2016, 07:55 PM)Ljd62 Wrote: Hello, I am an Infj just newly broke up with my male intp. We have not had any troubles personally. He is a single father with joint custody every other week for two teenagers. He also works in a hospital with crazy hours and a lot of changes going on there. He has had 2 failed marriages. He says he loves me which I know he does. but just can't put in a full- time relationship. I keep reassuring him I understand and that we can see each other when it fits his schedule as I can keep myself busy as I am an introvert as well. I supported him in his decision- he did not indicate he wants to revisit our relationship other than he loves me and has a special feeling where it will be in his heart and soul and remain. I agreed he needed time alone to recharge as he drains easily(very understandable). I love him very much and want him in my life. My questions- how much time Should I give him before I contact him. what is the likelihood he would want to renew the relationship. If he does, I plan on taking it very slowly and reassuring him I will support him and give him the space he needs. I recognize that need in him as he drains easily and needs that time to recharge and just to have alone time to do his thing. I don't think he thinks I recognize it as he doesn't think anyone understands him and he feels I don't either. He views himself as an asshole because he can't be there emotionally for the ones he loves- kids family etc.. In all actually he is a very loving and compassionate man. He just needs more alone time than the average person. He doesn't think he is meeting my needs which again I assure him he does. How can I reassure him he is and start building a meaningful relationship.

If he really sees it as something he needs to fix, then there's a chance he might come back after some soul-searching.
However, INTPs don't often go back on big decisions. We think long and hard before we make a big decision until we're absolutely sure it's the right thing to do, and once it's done, it's done. If he really believes that "It's not you, it's me," that does change things a little.
But it would have to be his decision.

I wish you the best!
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#5
(06-13-2016, 06:54 PM)Ljd62 Wrote: Thank you for your insight. I believe he really does care for me. He needs to accept his fears of loving. He did not get love, support, or guidance as a child and had a very bad marriage. He even stated he didn't know if he was capable of loving when we started this relationship 9 months ago. Our love started growing and he even started talking about having a long term relationship. Then 4 months ago he said he was broken. He loved me very much but found himself in a state of self absorption and became more distant which he tried to snap out of but just couldn't. He is inundated by his everyday life routines and barely enough time for himself. He stated he appreciates my extraordinary efforts to foster our relationship and grateful for my understanding and support and loves me dearly but he is the obstacle. I know our relationship is making him tired. He says i believe what is best- is to follow or own journeys having been touched and affected in a positive and caring manner by each other. I am supporting him by giving him his space and time so he can process and see if he still feels he is making the right decision. I just don't know how much time I should give him before I contact him if he doesn't first which when I do I will not bring emotion into it I will start off as friends. Like you said keep the emotion out. Do you think he would be open to reconnecting. I know all individuals are different but what is the likelihood an INTP type of personality will if it is their own emotional issues they are dealing with.

Thank you

It sounds like this is a very painful situation for you and I'm sorry. But it also sounds like you should re-read it over again after you've given it some thought and try to see it from the outside. Your relationship is making him tired. He says he's inundated by his everday life routines and has barely enough time for himself. He has some emotional issues he needs to sort out that he had as a child. That requires for him to do some work on his own. I'd leave it, because this is a decision he made on his own. He's trying to tell you he just needs to be left alone, and I'd respect that.
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#6
Thank you, that is what I am doing. I know he needs this. I appreciate everyone's insight. Have a wonderful day!
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