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Aliens And Antimatter
I just stumbled across something I wrote for school a year ago while cleaning out old files on my computer. It had been just long enough for me to forget all of the plot twists, and was an amusing look into my younger self's head. This tab was still open, so I decided to copy and paste it here. Without further ado:

Jaietxz, (often referred to endearingly by his friends as “Ctrl CV”) was an alien from outer space. Actually, at this current point in our narrative, he still is an alien from outer space, and so whether or not he is an alien from outer space depends entirely on which unspecified point in the future this fictional work is being written in. However, if that point were to be specified, it would ruin the audience’s suspension of disbelief (almost as much as Winnie-the-Poo-esque dialogues with the narrator) as well as ruining any potential for suspense, as the readers would have concrete knowledge of the character’s tomorrows.

The only possible solution is to write this entire thing in present tense.

Jaietxz (often referred to endearingly by his friends as “Ctrl CV”) is an alien from outer space. He is currently employed in producing an educational webcomic about the varieties of life found on Earth, a smaller than life-optimal planet with deep oceans nonconductive to organic existence, and wide, dry continents that are invariably have large tracts of useless desert.

Earth is mostly a water planet, but the most widely spread creatures are actually land animals, (which is surprising, considering the aforementioned deserts and other difficulties with land life) which self-identify as humans. (Or rather, the first group of bipeds encountered self-identified as humans, it was generally assumed that those were the spokespeople for the planet.) Humans are bipedal and somewhat resemble the orangutan in appearance (the orangutan being the creature that first popularized Earth, though the planet wasn’t called that then) though with a somewhat flatter face and a much thinner fur coat (except on the head, where it grows longer than that of the orangutan, being longer than a foot in some females) and darker skin.

Humans are one of the few advanced species (“advanced” being defined by the Bureau of Annoyingly Certified Idiots as “having the technological capabilities to enact change in a planet’s geological functions to their own detriment.”) with emotions. For those unfamiliar with the term, emotions are a primitive response system that punishes and rewards some animals for their choices. For example: Joey the human chooses to give Jaietxz the benefit of the doubt. His emotions punish him afterward, racking his mind for his stupidity. Next time Joey won’t be so stupid.

“Joey,” Jaietxz says cordially. Joey is the only human that knows Jaietxz’s identity as an extra-terrestrial, and Jaietxz has to keep himself in the human’s good graces or risk discovery by the human masses, which would put an end to any possibility of observing the humans unsuspected.

Joey’s face turns blotchy purple, a color consistent with bruising (which is when the capillaries under a human’s skin burst, spitting blood outside of the vascular system) which is curious, as the bruises Jaietxz inflicted on Joey’s visage already faded some time ago. Perhaps someone punched Joey between the time that Jaietxz said his name and the time that Joey failed to respond? Unlikely. There aren’t, as far as Jaietxz knew, any invisible creatures on Earth…taking in mind the inherent difficulties in verifying that fact, though, perhaps the humans just didn’t know about any invisible creatures? Only one person to ask.

“Joey, were you punched in the face recently? Because you look terrible.”

Joey looks pained. “What do you gain from taunting me?!” he hisses.

“Merely conducting research…I suppose I might as well be forthright with you. Would you happen to know the cause of your own facial discoloration? ”

Jaietxz doesn’t have high hopes for an answer, Joey is notoriously stupid. And, as suspected, Joey stalks off to ruin someone else’s day, his jaw working furiously but apparently incapable of forming a response to the simple question.

Jaietxz files the invisibility theorem away in the back of his mind. He has something much more important to do. Jaietxz has obtained an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to witness a human marriage. (A marriage is when two humans, almost exclusively of opposed genders, formally celebrate being such good friends that they will never leave each other’s sides until they die or get bored.) This is the culmination of a three year long project, and he won’t let anything ruin this happy day.

The extraterrestrial looks around at the gathered guests. A little more than half of them are related to or close friends to the bride, Francis. Joey falls into this category, being Francis’s brother. The remainder are decrepit actors trying to earn a living in a competitive field, and failing. They’re here because Jaietxz’s family are separated from the event by several light-years.

Jaietxz is an Aoloutnp, and Aoloutnps don’t feel nervousness. (Though they have been known to get somewhat edgy when forced to type out long and nonsensical words due to the failings of their computers, this is traced back to the early days of the species when the Aoloutnps fought a war against time traveling robot assassins named Schwarzenegger (it’s a common name) for their very survival, and the Aoloutnps that didn’t have the patience to use machinery weren’t killed by the programming gone mad.) However, Aoloutnps can consciously elevate themselves into a state of heightened awareness at the cost of subjectivity, and this is what Jaietxz did now, with the wedding beginning.

The wedding is taking place in an area called a church. (The concept of a church is quite familiar to alien readers, mostly because to provide a humorous description of such a place is liable to attract the attention of the…sorry. As predicted, I was interrupted by three men in red hats, whose chief weapon is fear.) A human is playing an organ. (An organ is a human instrument similar to the Gheosin, with the few exceptions that instead of controlling air flow through the pipes by turning a wheel, you push down levers with your fingers. The organ actually allows a far greater combination of chords than does the Gheosin, and Jaietxz plans to take one back with him to Alpha Centauri.)

The actor paid to play Jaietxzs best man looks nervous. Or at least, sick. Jaietxz had asked him about it earlier, and as it turns out, the man suffers from morals, a disease which’s only cure seems to be money. Jaietxz has already paid the human a considerable amount, but it seems that the man’s morals are acting up again. Jaietxz slips the artist another check, but it doesn’t seem to do much good.

“You know,” the actor begins, “that sooner or later, over the course of holidays your “family” can’t attend, over the course of correspondence that is never received, that she’s going to find out that you’re a fraud.”

Jaietxz reassures the man. “I plan to record this human wedding from the vantage point of a groom, and then I will leave forever. Undoubtedly she will realize that this entire persona is fake, when she is unable to track me. But that is no concern of mine.”

The actor looks much assured, though Jaietxz sometimes has a hard time reading human emotions. The human begins chanting his oft repeated mantra under his breath, reminding himself of the sums involved. More evidence that Jaietxz worked to alleviate the man’s distress.

It is time. Jaietxz walks down the aisle (Isle, too, has a silent “s.” It leads one to wonder if the words are related?) towards Francis, who is wearing a white dress. Wearing a dress is atypical for Francis, but typical for weddings. The humanoid robot that Jaietxz has been possessing these last three years in order to infiltrate human society does not often wear a tuxedo. But weddings have a special dress code.

At this moment the church (and everything else on that half of the planet) is hit by an anti-matter annihilation bomb, illegal for use on planets containing “advanced” species, but not regularly enforced on planets without space fleets capable of exacting revenge.

89.7% of the planet’s species of plants and animals goes extinct, though humanity, widespread as it is, survives and suffers a regression in science, medicine, and the arts. Literary criticism survives and thrives, because nothing could kill it.

The moon is hit by planetary shrapnel, and splits into multiple pieces. Most of these pieces either hurtle into space or fall back to earth immediately, but for the next few million years Earth is gradually shedding the stragglers as they exit Earth’s gravitational AOE or hit the Roche limit.

Jaietxz hid his body in a warehouse in an unspecified city, frozen in cryogenic sleep. With no humanoid robot to wake him up, he is discovered there by surviving humans after a number of years. The humans heat him up, but the highly corrosive oxygen in the air kills him in a matter of minutes. The humans eat the cadaver. They smoke the remains, and eating the alien jerky, manage to survive. In the distant future, their descendants form their own nation, the Republic of Wisconsin. An entire nation indebted to Jaietxz.

The Wisconsinites live happily ever after.
(Ever after, they are all bitten by vampires and become immortal.)

The end.
I came up with a very clever signature, as a matter of fact it's cleveritude was so clever that merely listening it would cause you to ascend to godhood. But then I forgot it, so instead you can listen to my gibbering inanities. I'm sorry.
Hmm, kind of an abrupt ending, but a nice story nonetheless.

If you don't mind my asking, when did you write it?
I wrote it for English class last year. So, not all that long ago.
Of course, upon re-reading it I wanted to at least perform some cursory edits, but I decided not to, instead opting for historical accuracy.
I came up with a very clever signature, as a matter of fact it's cleveritude was so clever that merely listening it would cause you to ascend to godhood. But then I forgot it, so instead you can listen to my gibbering inanities. I'm sorry.

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