Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Decision Making and the Opinions of Others
#1
I'm not sure this is the right place for this post but....

I’ve been thinking a lot about this subject lately as I’ve had a life changing decision on the table. I currently live with my mother but was feeling an urgent pull to move out for the sake of a greater sense of freedom. I can’t do it on my own so I was going to move into a new place with my good friend and his partner. I decided against it as it goes against my long-term financial goals and I would only just be able to swing it, leaving me with minimal financial cushion should an emergency crop up.

As I always do, I promised myself that I would say nothing to anyone about what I was planning until it was a done deal but I ended up telling another friend and then, once I had put in the application for the apartment, told my mother. She was waaaay more chill about it than I thought she would be (initially), and my other friend expressed a bit of disappointment because she “wouldn’t be able to shop for furniture with me.”

In the history of my experience in this realm, these are the most lukewarm reactions I’ve ever had to a decision I shared with others, but still, it bugged me. Then once I informed them of my change of mind, their more strong opinions came to light. My friend told me that she had told her mother (whom I am close to) and that she was very worried and concerned about my decision. Then when I told my mother her first reaction was to shout out “YES!!!!!!” This kind of thing bugs the shit out of me and I’m trying to pinpoint why.

I feel like anytime I have ever shared an idea or decision on the table with those around me it’s like they are sharks and I’ve just put blood in the water. There seems to be some secret collective thought among them about what the right/wrong things are for me and my life. I resent this kind of (alleged) thinking because I’m from the school of thought that no one knows what’s best for anyone else because they are not living their lives (save for children under a certain age with regard to physical safety). I get frustrated when I hear these thoughts from them and even that I know that these thoughts exist. Of course, they have every right to their opinion; I just don’t need to know about it. It only clouds the issue in my mind and confuses my decision making process. It’s like extra noise in my head.

I think it also offends the part of my ego that is concerned with seeming competent. When I know that someone feels like I’m making a mistake my mind begins to wonder if that opinion is or could be true and then I go way down that rabbit hole for far longer than I want to. It’s like each new revelation of opinion takes me further and further away from my own train of thought about a particular decision, like road kill on the highway to my own “truth.”

This is the reason I make these promises of telling no one about anything I’m thinking of doing. It has never, I repeat, never helped me make a decision in my life. Strangers are a different story, I’ll tell a stranger anything. I suppose that’s because they have no emotional stake in what I do.

I’m curious if anyone else has this experience and if so how do you deal with it?
Trust no one, fear nothing.
Reply
#2
I often couldn't care less what the people around me opine. Occasionally I try steelmanning them, but when I work out enough flaws in their logic the steelman usually agrees with me . . . which I'm pretty sure isn't how the technique is supposed to work. Tongue
I came up with a very clever signature, as a matter of fact it's cleveritude was so clever that merely listening it would cause you to ascend to godhood. But then I forgot it, so instead you can listen to my gibbering inanities. I'm sorry.
Reply
#3
(06-20-2017, 01:32 AM)Yordle Sandwich Wrote: I often couldn't care less what the people around me opine. Occasionally I try steelmanning them, but when I work out enough flaws in their logic the steelman usually agrees with me . . . which I'm pretty sure isn't how the technique is supposed to work. Tongue

Lol! Strangers I could care less about. People close to me are different. I've been trying to adopt you approach as the years have gone on but they just know how to push my buttons which gets me all emotional and then, of course, I don't do the best thinking. Thanks for your response.
Trust no one, fear nothing.
Reply
#4
Hi, I'm a new member (and I'm probably going to say that many, many times...) and actually, I have experienced something similar.

Since I am the youngest in the whole family (pets not included), they consider me and my opinion inferior, biased, naive and lacking understanding. No matter how good my opinions are, and no matter how perfect the facts, reasoning and logic behind it, they never seem to like listening to me and letting me do my own thing.

Every good parent would've been proud (well, if I'm a parent, I would be very proud) if their children have interest in educational books and wishes to purchase them. But not my parents. They PREVENTED me from buying it. Like, what the heck? Don't they want me to become smarter or something? Everytime I lay out my plans to them, they'd more than often reject the idea. They don't think that I'm competent enough for anything that is more complicated than eating and sleeping. They actually seem surprised when knowing that I like reading.

So I decided to cope with it all just by ignoring them, and doing my own thing without considering their opinions first. Although the comments they made hurts me, in the end, my satisfaction is more important than theirs. I also cope by always locking my door when I'm in my room to prevent them intruding without permission (they always do that if the door's not locked) and taking away all the "trash" in my room, although those were actually notes.

-Have a good day/night Smile
Reply
#5
(06-21-2017, 09:20 PM)Regret404 Wrote: Hi, I'm a new member (and I'm probably going to say that many, many times...) and actually, I have experienced something similar.

Since I am the youngest in the whole family (pets not included), they consider me and my opinion inferior, biased, naive and lacking understanding. No matter how good my opinions are, and no matter how perfect the facts, reasoning and logic behind it, they never seem to like listening to me and letting me do my own thing.

Every good parent would've been proud (well, if I'm a parent, I would be very proud) if their children have interest in educational books and wishes to purchase them. But not my parents. They PREVENTED me from buying it. Like, what the heck? Don't they want me to become smarter or something? Everytime I lay out my plans to them, they'd more than often reject the idea. They don't think that I'm competent enough for anything that is more complicated than eating and sleeping. They actually seem surprised when knowing that I like reading.

So I decided to cope with it all just by ignoring them, and doing my own thing without considering their opinions first. Although the comments they made hurts me, in the end, my satisfaction is more important than theirs. I also cope by always locking my door when I'm in my room to prevent them intruding without permission (they always do that if the door's not locked) and taking away all the "trash" in my room, although those were actually notes.

-Have a good day/night Smile

Wow...that sounds very much like how I was in my younger years. Not so much the education books but being having my opinions brushed off. I was the only child in my house and my parents fancied themselves as superior in thinking (they were not) and well meaning in their debunking of my thoughts. I'm glad you get to keep your door locked (not allowed in my house when I was younger). I too had to get to that place of not "asking for permission" and rather " begging for forgiveness" when I just did what I wanted. Sometimes there is no reasoning with those who see themselves as authority figures rather than the life managers and consultants I feel parents should be. It's almost like because you are so intelligent they miss the fact that their job is a bit easier and fill in with ridiculous rule making, "helping", and boundary setting that you don't need.
Trust no one, fear nothing.
Reply
#6
(06-19-2017, 09:07 AM)innievee Wrote: I feel like anytime I have ever shared an idea or decision on the table with those around me it’s like they are sharks and I’ve just put blood in the water. There seems to be some secret collective thought among them about what the right/wrong things are for me and my life. I resent this kind of (alleged) thinking because I’m from the school of thought that no one knows what’s best for anyone else because they are not living their lives (save for children under a certain age with regard to physical safety). I get frustrated when I hear these thoughts from them and even that I know that these thoughts exist. Of course, they have every right to their opinion; I just don’t need to know about it. It only clouds the issue in my mind and confuses my decision making process. It’s like extra noise in my head.

I think it also offends the part of my ego that is concerned with seeming competent. When I know that someone feels like I’m making a mistake my mind begins to wonder if that opinion is or could be true and then I go way down that rabbit hole for far longer than I want to. It’s like each new revelation of opinion takes me further and further away from my own train of thought about a particular decision, like road kill on the highway to my own “truth.”

I’m curious if anyone else has this experience and if so how do you deal with it?

I can relate to this. It's always been difficult for my family members and some others with whom I've been close to understand that gathering information is just that...gathering it. It doesn't mean their input will be THE only input that matters. How many times do we see the train coming for others and have to stand back and let them see it for themselves? Their love can be like a vice when, for example, protection driven by fear.

In their defense, I get it...throughout my life I've lost my keys, my purse, my bank card, have forgotten I rode my bike to school and walked home, I miss my exit coming home sometimes, and my thoughts on life seem idealistic/romantic to them. To me, those things have helped teach me how to cope with some of life's inconveniences, but to them I seem helpless (even though I don't need constant help). To me, seeing life's possibilities gives me hope. They see a recipe for constant disappointment. And, so I seem to them someone who needs help managing the simplest things and protection. I guess I chalk it up to the differences between me and them and their perception of those differences, what they think that means about me and their role(s) in my life.

So I moved away! Smile. I love my family, but I needed space. I needed to be with my faith in me and away from their fears. I didn't realize until I was 30 years old how much their projected perceptions affected my confidence in myself. At first, I took steps to remove the influence, like your doing by keeping your decisions to yourself, mostly. It can be especially hard if you are in a position of dependence in some way. For me, that dependence lent itself to the notion that I needed more than just the help I'd asked for. But, I had to learn how to create and maintain some boundaries. It's difficult to untangle from long term negotiations like those. I had to start with me. Like you said, they are entitled to their opinions, and you might not stop them from expressing them, but how much power they have on you is something you can work on.

Eventually, as mentioned, I moved away (farther than an easy car ride). I did what I could do for me, but I found I needed more. I still talk with them, I still visit, and they see me. But, I don't share my decisions or my consequences with them. I share how I feel sometimes or what's happening in my life as an update, but only those things that I know that I won't mind hearing their opinions about. Sometimes, strangers are a better. Sometimes .
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)