Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
why INTP will friendzone an INFJ?
#1
Heart 
HI! Please help! A brief explanation, and then 2 questions at the end. Thank you!

I have been friends with an INTP on an off for three years.

From the get go, we had sexual chemistry, intelligent witty banter, mutual values in several ways and also appreciated that we each speak direct and value the truth. He has said I'm the single most influential person in his adult life. I have said I love him and am there for him no matter what. We've both grown a lot in our time knowing each other.

We've had cycles where we get a lot of momentum going, the sexual tension peaks, and one of us back away from it because of some reason or another...either of us just not being ready to take the plunge. It's like we feel these cycles of energy between us building trying to jumpstart a relationship, but something always interferes, and it goes sideways. For three years. We both have observed this.

I think we've both reached a point where we've stopped trying to understand this crazy strong connection. And how unrequited it is.

He's recently been crystal clear that I am no longer a romantic interest, but am now in the friendzone. So, true to form, I have tried to just be friends, instead showing up in his life for fun and learning what I can about just being a friend to a guy. But, honestly, despite doing a good job at it, it hurts when he reminds me he is ready for relationship with someone else...just not me. Or when he talks about other women he's dated... which he always follows up with saying some form of validating me in his life , making sure I know it's special that I am. (which feels like manipulation.... come closer, wait, that's too close, step back now, but don't go away...)


So, fellow INTPs... 2 questions:

1) Am i just a placeholder of nurturing and companionship and validation for him in his life until he finds his woman? His actions speak of trusting me, and letting me into his life at a depth others don't access yet his words speak of something different... I am not his woman.

2) is a connection this strong wise to maintain if one of us gets married to someone else? He thinks it won't be a problem. I do.

Thoughts?

Thanks for any feedback!
Reply
#2
I apologize in advance if my answer is terse and abrupt, I'm "typing" this out on the touchscreen of a Nintendo 3DS . . . and I've no stylus. :\

1) I'm no expert in these matters, but it appears that the INTP's actions and words alike indicate friendship. Trusting you implicitly, letting protective anti-social barriers down. I imagine that you have other friends as well. Do you view them as placeholders, to be kept only until you find someone of an opposed sexual orientation to you?

2) I'm somewhat confused by the premise of this question. Do most people ditch all their close friends when they get married? Perhaps if you told me what you think the danger is, I could give an opinion about the safety.

If I came across abrasive as sandpaper, I'm sorry. Just my two cents, make sense of it what sense thou wilt.
I came up with a very clever signature, as a matter of fact it's cleveritude was so clever that merely listening it would cause you to ascend to godhood. But then I forgot it, so instead you can listen to my gibbering inanities. I'm sorry.
Reply
#3
Hi Yordle,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. Here's my best answers to yours Smile

1) No. I do not view people of the opposit sex as placeholders.

For all practical intents and purposes, we have been partners in a way, because I've been the one consistent primary woman in his life post divorce, being generous and heartfelt and open to him.

WHY BRING ME IN CLOSER when he wants to FIND ANOTHER WOMAN? That's the confusion. Does that make sense? Seems to me if a guy wanted a woman as a friend, he wouldn't be opening the gates of deepening and vulnerability to her. He'd be keeping her circling in orbit somehow, not inviting her over to spend hours in his home having fun with his kids, cooking for them, hanging out, and supporting their wellbeing. Yet he lets me in deeper, and I'm the only woman he has post divorce. ANd he tells me how special that is that he does this with me, and it's a compliment to me. And then says at the same time, you are not the one, and I'm ready to be in a relationship with the one when i find her.

It is absolutely crazy making.

thoughts?

2) The danger of staying friends with him once he partners, or I partner elsewhere, is that the sexual chemistry, emotional closeness, and constant communication and verbal intimacy we have could become a wedge that threatens the stability of the marriage if it didn't change.

And if it did change, what would we have as friendship? guess we'd have to see if there's glue there outside of what we've already created.

But I'm of the binary male/female monogamous paradigm. I understand polyamory may be different. In the paradigm I'm in, women back away from men friends they have sexual chemistry with when they get married out of respect to the new woman, or the new husband.

Thank you, and if you'd like to share your thoughts, I welcome them.
Reply
#4
Well, my thinking is that gender really is more or less irrelevant. Males get higher average body/muscle mass, on average females see more colors than males. (Of which I harbor some amount of curiosity/envy . . . what does the world look like to you? Does it look better? Neither of us have the frame of reference to answer that question.) But mentally, which is the only thing that really counts? No discernable difference. Peel away our skulls and we're all quite similar.

So, the idea that two people of the same gender can be close friends, but people of opposed genders either have to be in a romantic relationship or otherwise can't be very close to each other, the idea comes across as somewhat alien.

pixie07 Wrote:WHY BRING ME IN CLOSER when he wants to FIND ANOTHER WOMAN?

Of course I'm not in your shoes, or in your situation, and I could be misreading things, misinterpreting reflections of reflections of the truth. But it seems to me that the INTP sees your gender as completely beside the point that you are intelligent and insightful and good conversation and his best friend.

pixie07 Wrote:We've had cycles where we get a lot of momentum going, the sexual tension peaks, and one of us back away from it because of some reason or another...either of us just not being ready to take the plunge. It's like we feel these cycles of energy between us building trying to jumpstart a relationship, but something always interferes, and it goes sideways. For three years. We both have observed this.

I seems to me like the INTP has discerned that a romantic relationship likely won't work out, based on historic evidence. And it seems to me that the INTP sees that fact as entirely beside the point that you are an integral part of his life, and (presumably) one of the few people he can be truly honest to. You aren't a placeholder "woman." You're his friend. To be frank, I would have to legally change my name. To frank. So I'd rather not be frank. But to be honest, I'm not sure why people are so put out with the "friendzone." As Jean de La Fontaine (French people get the coolest names.) wrote, "Rare as true love is, true friendship is rarer."

pixie07 Wrote:The danger of staying friends with him once he partners, or I partner elsewhere, is that the sexual chemistry, emotional closeness, and constant communication and verbal intimacy we have could become a wedge that threatens the stability of the marriage if it didn't change.

Eh. If whoever you decide to marry takes umbrage, then that is one person who you won't marry. You can't replace a good friend.
I came up with a very clever signature, as a matter of fact it's cleveritude was so clever that merely listening it would cause you to ascend to godhood. But then I forgot it, so instead you can listen to my gibbering inanities. I'm sorry.
Reply
#5
Thank you.
Reply
#6
If I helped at all, I'm glad.

Are you planning to stick around the forum? It's been kind of slow lately, but perhaps a new member with new ideas would change that?
I came up with a very clever signature, as a matter of fact it's cleveritude was so clever that merely listening it would cause you to ascend to godhood. But then I forgot it, so instead you can listen to my gibbering inanities. I'm sorry.
Reply
#7
You gave me some interesting thoughts to consider. I admit they didn't strike me comfortably at first. I do think we might be from different generations Smile But I am open to learning and I'm here asking for new insight, and you definitely gave me that.

Thank you.

I can comment on some stuff in the threads as I see them....

as for new ideas? I'm an INFJ. I"m not sure I can bring ones to the table that will fly? But I'm glad we had an exchange and I can see what feels authentic to talk about. Smile Thanks!
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)