Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
INTP Help dealing with rejection with friends
#1
(long story I know my question is at the end. I did leave a lot out. So if you have any questions just ask. Any help is appreciated)Hello guys, fellow intp here. So I have a story for you and some questions that I hope I can gain some insight on. As most of you probably do, I suffer with the common traits of an intp. Overactive emotions, over analyzation of peoples motives and what they are doing, analyzation of myself in order to find out who I am, the whole load of it of all the INTP crap that so tortures my very being(being super smart is not worth the price it comes with). I'm most likely mentally unstable. I usually don't mind it. Except when it comes to friends. Now I have like two friends cause I choose them very specifically cause I'm very afraid of being hurt and rejected by people I let loose around and show the real me too and I have always wanted a true friend. Someone like David and Johnathan in the bible sort of friendship. So recently within the past year I found someone who I truly loved as close as a brother if not closer lets name him Alex. We clicked so fast and grew faster than anyone. He said he loved me as a brother too and we grew in our friendship. Now this is where the story takes a turn for the worse. I go off on vacation for two months away from him and we talk everyday over voice and chat platforms. Things are going great. Until he introduces me to a friend of his that he also feels this way around named in this case Nathan. Alex wanted me to become friends with Nathan and I wasn't opposed to it but because I am a possessive friend I naturally got very jealous. I got used to Nathan over voice chat and grew a a custom to him. Then I get back from vacation and we finally hang out all three of us. It goes great, but over the next few times we hang out I notice Alex starts to distance himself from me slowly. Sometimes unconsciously and others consciously slowly distancing himself from me and more toward Jeremy. I rationalized my fears and told myself what I was analyzing was not real as I was having many emotional breakdowns over it. Then recently my fears have taken a turn for the worst. So I let Nathan borrow my computer from me for a weekend and the day I get it back I log into it on our chat platform and see he left his chat logged in. As I was about to log out I see Nathan and Alex have been chatting up a storm about me. Everything from lying to my face so they didn't have to hang out with me, to saying I'm quote "extra", to saying that I'm very tiring to be around, and lot more including Alex thinking I'm gay for him(he is also gay but he is afraid to lose the friendship which might be a cause for distance). This activates my out of control emotions and turned me to defcon 7 blood rage anger and sadness. I was shaking I was so upset I had let someone into my life. It felt as if Alex had taken a 44 and blown my emotional brains out and I was left to pick up the pieces. Or in better terms a mental breakdown. I have had many but this was by far one of the worst in a long time. I try to calm myself down for over 30 minutes but I act rashly and tell Alex to go fuck himself and that I should have never invested my time into him. He tells Nathan and they both go blowing up my phone asking what is wrong. I only answer Alex cause he is the only one I really cared about. This results into him and I talking it out over text basically him saying he didn't mean it that way and that he should have told me directly and not gossiped behind my back and that he was having a mental breakdown and he was in shambles crying all because I was feeling this way and that he had never felt physical pain over hurting someone before. I'm already broken down and I ask him if he wants to meet to talk it out in person. (I really wanted to see that he was really hurt cause when someone hurts me I need to see that they are hurt. Its my fight or flight of emotions and I don't like it but I also wanted to talk it out in person man to man.) So I walk to his house after convincing him to talk to me and it turns out Nathan is over at his house cause of the hanging out for two days that they lied about cause they didn't want me there. So I going on wanting a true heart to heart talk and he says three words to me about it maybe a tiny bit more and as a true INTP I apologize for confronting him about it and he says its ok. The other thing that I see is wrong is that Alex is he is his usual self. No tears, no red eyes, no nothing, no evidence of the physical trauma he said was happening and he has MAJOR ANXIETY PROBLEMS. So they drop it slowly and invite me to stay the night. Now it starts out ok, but as I said Alex is now extremely favoring Nathan with all if conscious and unconscious actions. I am left almost an outcast. It gets worse cause at the start of the next morning they are trying to get me to go home by making excuses like your going off to college soon you should see your family even though I spend like so much time with them and they knew I wanted to be there with them. So here I am writing this as they are sleeping not knowing what I am to do. If anyone could help with how I should move forward cause I feel very third wheel from a friend that used to be so close and its hurting me so much and I'm going to end up doing what most INTP's do with pain and its run from it but I care about him so much I am still scared to lose him even though I feel used rn. Any help is appreciated, also any questions for clarification are welcomed as well. My other questions is how should an INTP try and maintain a three way friendship when I am naturally a protective and possessive friend?
Reply
#2
Eliezir Yudkowsky Wrote:Every time someone cries out in prayer and I can't answer, I feel guilty about not being God.

I don't know how I can help you, this is entirely outside my frame of reference. But I am here to provide . . . solidarity? Solidarity.
If there's anything I can do for you I will do it.

For now-I'd recommend searching for wisdom amongst the wise. This forum would usually be a good place to start, but it's been kind of quiet lately. Comb to intpexperience articles, Mr. Evans knows more about friendship and life than I do. I read a book recently, called "Crucial Conversations: tools for talking when the stakes are high." I found it very useful, maybe you can find it online?

And lastly, if a wiser, more experienced intp than myself is reading this, maybe they have advice too.
I came up with a very clever signature, as a matter of fact it's cleveritude was so clever that merely listening it would cause you to ascend to godhood. But then I forgot it, so instead you can listen to my gibbering inanities. I'm sorry.
Reply
#3
The story reads like you were in a committed relationship and your partner decided they wanted to introduce a third. I would ask if Nathan and Alex are a couple. Also, if Alex was perhaps, at one point, interested in being more than friend with you.

You can only change your perspective and the answers to the above would only serve to help with that. Either way my advice is the same.

You cannot control or even know for certain what other people think. The more you try to control or guess what is in the mind of another the further you get from reality. From what you have told us regarding Alex and Nathan we only know for certain that you made a good friend that valued you enough to want to introduce you to another person whom he also valued. We got a glimpse into their thoughts regarding you that they had previously kept secret. This hurts, of course, but more importantly it is an opportunity for growth. They showed care for you by having you come over after this was discovered. You may now have the opportunity to learn a great deal about how you are perceived by the person you admittedly valued a great deal. Be open, be non-reactive, ask questions, and learn. I am not suggesting that you take anything that anyone says as gospel, but it is truly a rare opportunity to learn what someone would otherwise have kept secret.

You have admitted that you are jealous, that your emotions are out of control, and that you may be mentally unstable. I am fairly certain that everyone is a bit mentally unstable given the opportunity, so do not fret over that too much. You at least have a short list of what causes you grief and that is more of a grasp on things than many have. I will wait to see if you respond, but I would look deeply into whether you truly want to see someone you care for in pain.

Listen to Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle. They have a pretty good message that can be helpful if you are open to it.
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)