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How we understand and process the world
Sorry I've been gone for a while. Life's been very, very busy. Too much to do and so, so many new things to think about.

One of those things has been that, every now and again, it becomes clear to me that I understand the world completely through systems; like infinitely complex, yet precise, 3D spider webs of information. Everything has its place in one of the many sub-systems and that place tells me what it's connected to, what my opinion is on it, how to think about it, how to process it, how to react to it..... Everything, really. It contextualises it and gives it meaning. I have found in recent weeks that when I am at my most anxious I constantly worry and bemoan how I do not understand; I don't understand. It's the most important thing in the world because without it I have no way of processing or interpreting anything and am completely lost and adrift amidst a world of blurred sensory input and absolute confusion.

Most of the time, this is invisible - except very occasionally; usually in contrast to another person's approach or in light of particularly anomalous information. For example, I was telling an autistic ESFJ friend yesterday about how I want to be able to quantify the effects of various amounts of various kinds of alcohol so that I can know to an extremely specific degree how it will affect me and I can therefore use my system to engineer the exact situation I want, or to judge the situation I'm in with utmost clarity and precision. He seemed surprised and found it strange that I should want to be so absolutely in control.

However, there are implications to this. For example, it makes it very hard to deal comfortably with the unknown; with new things. It makes it hard to just let go and experience when in many ways one's experience of the world is filtered through how one has decided to interpret it, rather than in a purely authentic, but not understood, form.

The other thing that worries me about it is the authenticity of social interactions. Being inauthentic towards someone feels like a betrayal of them. But there is a conflict of interests here: in order to for them to have all of those things I mentioned earlier that come from having a place in the system - understanding of how to process them, how to react to them, etc - they must fit into some kind of template, but then how much am I just dealing with a decided idea rather than the fluid concept of them and their identity? How much am I reacting to them and feeling things because of things they have done, and how much am I just following pre-understood social mechanisms that I have in place in order to interact? The conflict of interests is ability to function versus authenticity. As long as they have a place in the system, my understanding of them will never be entirely their own identity, but if they have no place, then I will have absolutely no idea how to process them in my mind at all. I will be completely confused by and unable to react to them.

I'm not sure what to think about this. Does it make sense to you? What do you think?
Still talking to myself, and nobody's home (alone).
This makes perfect sense.

thelithiumcat Wrote:He seemed surprised and found it strange that I should want to be so absolutely in control.

I think part of The INTP Condition is to want to be in control. We get frustrated, anxious, upset, and sometimes even embarrassed when things get out of control.

(I use The INTP Condition in the way we generally hear The Human Condition)
"Well if I were You-Know-Who, I'd want you to feel cut off from everyone else. Because if it's just you alone you're not as much of a threat." -Luna Lovegood
Hey, you see, life is incomplete. But there are many ways to take it easy. Try and you will never face your routine difficulties.
I think that there are so many shortcomings in our life, but they can be impoverished in groups. Basically, this is a health problem. For them I recommend visiting this site:

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