Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
An Addict's Disquiet.
#1
I do not remember the day I got hooked. I remember it as being the middle of March. But then again, I could be wrong.
My memory isn't as sharp as it used to be.
The last year has been a complete struggle. I have had to fight my addiction everyday, so much so that it has become one of the defining aspects of my life.
I want to change. I started wanting this an year ago.
My addiction to substances has caused me nothing but harm. This is the analytical part of me speaking.
The high I feel when I indulge in my addiction is worth the utter disintegration of the intellect that follows. This is the reptlian, primal part of my brain talking.
Somehow, reptilian brain almost always manages to outdo the neo cortex, slapping evolution in the face.
The first few months were abysmal failures. I could not get even a modicum of control on my brain. ( Apparently, dopamine surges are more important to my brain than vital processes like eating. )
The following months were the toughest. At least in the first few months, I had the satisfaction of utter helplessness.
But over the period of time that followed, the enemy began to fight back. Earlier, it used to dismiss the defense I used to put with a slight wave of its hand.
But now, it knew I meant business. It started fighting back, which was a sort of encouragement because I knew I was getting somewhere.
However, the encouragement stopped there.
I went through withdrawal, then I fell prey to the desire when I had almost broken free, went on a binge, felt completely worthless for the next few days, took my fix again, and then put in a strong defense. This lasted for about 5 days ( A lot, lemme tell you. ).
The result was that I underwent a psychological phenomenon I can only describe as hysteresis. I was so tired of pushing outward and getting pulled back in, that by the end of it my psyche resembled a lump of featureless modelling clay.
I have always been intelligent. More than most people I know.
The one thing I have valued above all in my life is my ability to think and the knowledge I possess.
But my substance abuse has led me to a place where my intelligence is breathing its last, leaving me lying in the dust. I am...
Distraught and frustrated, at my inability to conquer my demons.
Angry, at myself.
Grieving, at the loss of my capacity for complex thought.
Clinically depressed, at the prospect of not coming out of this; ever.

I won the National Spelling Bee when I was 14. I had an incredible memory, with lightning fast calculation speeds.
I can't spell tomorrow today without having to consult someone first. I might have written it wrong even now. I don't know... this thing doesn't have a spell checker.
I have tried to keep my reading habits the same as they were a few years back.
My interest in reading hasn't diminished a lot, and I still feed my crstallized intelligence its daily food for thought.
However, my fluid intelligence is still reeling from the hit it has taken.
I am sure my IQ has dropped a good twenty points.
Sigh.

The spell bee thing was the last time I remember my parents celebrating ay form of my achievement. Even though they won't accept it, and even if they don't feel this way; I know I have been nothing but a liability on my parents ever since. Yes, they love me. And God knows I love them back more than anything in this world.
But I cannot forgive my existence if I can't provide them with one moment of tranquility and satisfaction.
They have invested a lot of money in me, and are putting me through this really expensive college. Of all the times that I have disappointed them, they have only returned a smile, telling me to do better the next time around.
And I! I have been a miserable failure each and every inch of the way!
How can I do this to people who love and care so deeply about me? All I have done is given them pain, let them down and put my family in deep debt!
I have been under so much stress for such a long time now. Every month that I have been in this college has been torture. I cannot concentrate on my studies, and have flunked a subject in the midterms.
They gave me the same warm, smile they used to give me as a child. Told me to concentrate more and make sure I cover up well in the second term.
I tried harder to get out of my addiction this time around. Broke after two weeks.
Fought every night for a continuous 14 days. Failed. Again.
My mind is tearing itself to shreds as I write this, crying. No tears come. I am bursting inside. I hope someone can come up to me and put a gentle hand on my head. But they won't, I know it.
My entire being has become fixated on my addiction. It wants to get out of it, but succumbs every time.
... I always had such low willpower. Sigh.

I went to this self help lecture yesterday. They told me to get out of behaviours I didn't like, I should try sharing my experience. Learn from what sympatico people have to say.
But experiences can only be shared with people who are willing to understand.
So here I sit, writing this rather poorly written post ( My articulation has taken a hit too. ).
I joined this forum after much deliberation.
After reading some posts, I think I made a good call.
I could write so much more than I what I have managed till now, but won't. Because I don't have the mental energy that such an endeavor requests of me.

..I chose my username so as to describe what the voice of my being would sound like if it was heard outside.
Hello folks.
My name is Starscream, and I am an addict.
I am what I am becoming.
Reply
#2
I was addicted to drugs and went to addiction counseling Virginia centre for its treatment. As have heard that this center gives best addiction treatments. Contacted them and very happy to take their treatment for 4 months. After that now I am happy to get over it.
Reply
#3
This was . . . a thread from 2014. I never read it before. I suppose the person who wrote it will never read this.

. . . we look at the night sky, at the glowing points set in the night, and it is all so still, so quiet. Serene. But the stars are not serene. They are immense nuclear reactors, undergoing a continuous fusion. Alight with a fire hotter than hell. If sound could propagate in a vacuum, here on Earth we would hear Sol at 100 decibels of volume . . . eight minutes and twenty light seconds away. But we don't hear the stars, because each of them lives in it's own prison, and their screams reverberate within the corona.

Your voice was heard outside, Starscream . . . and it was everything that I'd expect from a star's scream . . . utterly alien. Terrifyingly relatable. Strangely beautiful. Powerful. And loud.
I came up with a very clever signature, as a matter of fact it's cleveritude was so clever that merely listening it would cause you to ascend to godhood. But then I forgot it, so instead you can listen to my gibbering inanities. I'm sorry.
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)